I have trouble coming up with Christmas list ideas for the unfortunate sibling who draws my name for our secret Santa every year. And inevitably, as we get closer and closer to Christmas, the push to provide gift ideas increases, which leads me to desperately troll the internet for ideas. So now, for you viewing pleasure, I present to you: Christmas Listocalypse: 2013! (Note: All of these things are real, and so are the prices. Click the pic and buy one for that stubborn gift-receiver on your list!)
1. Bert the Farting Hippo (Asseenontv.com)
I can’t think of anything more delightful than a doll that makes me feel better about my uncontrollable flatulence. Only 44.95!
2. Drunken Santa Plate (The Bradford Exchange)
Capture that magical moment when Santa raids your liquor cabinet and passes out in your living room, mumbling about his time in the war and how freaking sick he is of penguins. Yours for only 49.95! I always give bonus point to Christmas-themed gifts, seeing as how they cease to be useful the moment they’re opened.
3. Precious Moments Convertible Friends (The Bradford Exchange)
There’s nothing more precious than immortalizing the ending to ‘Thelma and Louise” in Precious Moment’s form!
4. “Muddled Moose” Bird House (Amazon.com)
There’s nothing I’d rather see staring at me, cutting through the darkness, staring into my soul no matter where I am in my house, then a birdhouse in the shape of a meth-addicted moose head. A Bargain at 28.88!
5. Patriotic Harley Davidson Cuckoo Clock (Yes for Fucking Real)
(The Bradford Exchange)
MURRICA! HARLEYS! CLOCKS! (CUE MAD GUITAR RIFF!) ONLY 149.99!
In Fact, speaking of Patriotic Bradford Exchange items:
ELVIS! MURRICA! ELVIS MURRICA!
MURRICA WITH WOLVES!
Welp, I blacked out there for a few hours in a patriotically-induced diabetic coma. Lets murrica! I mean…continue.
6. Whatever the Fuck this is Supposed to Be
I don’t know what it is. But I want it.
7. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH (Iwantoneofthose.com)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMAHGODOHMAHGOD – only 29.99 in British pounds, which I assume equates to one human soul.
8. Sauna Pants (Asseenontv.com)
Delivering the benefits of a sauna to the areas you need it most. Your genitals. 39.95
9. Fanny Bank (Asseenontv.com)
Is there any product that these guys can’t turn into a farting butt? I say nay. 14.95
10. Steelers Fairy (The Bradford Exchange)
Finally, something that combines my love of slutty fairies and a sport with men crashing into each other while fighting over a dead pig. 29.99
11. The Most Horrifying thing Ever Crafted
Don’t look directly at it. It’s too late for me. SAVE YOURSELF! (Ashtondrake.com) 29.99
12. The Bacon Brothers Cd (Amazon.com)
Kevin Bacon and someone else with the last name Bacon sing awfully for your listening pleasure. I kind of really want it just for the half-sultry looks they’re giving us on the album cover. 15.98
12. This Shirt going through a terrible Identity Crisis between being about mental illness and being a ‘my wife tells me what to do” joke
(Potpourrigifts.com) – 17.95
“How about, ‘I only buy gifts for my voices which tell my significant other what to do while I buy him things’.”
“Ha! Nice one Greg!” – Heard in a Board meeting of this website’s shirt design department.
Bonus: Debilitating health issues made fun!
Well, that concludes this year’s listocalypse. Is there a lesson in all on this insanity? Yes. It’s called, “get off my back and give an amazon gift card like last year.” And if at any time you looked at one of these gifts and decided to get one for any other reason than to show people and say “Can you believe someone wrote and signed a check to make this piece of horrific crap?” Then…well, have a Merry Christmas anyway, you sick, sad soul.
Merry Christmas to the tens of people reading this blog!