Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy: A Review in Confusion

“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy: A Review” or, “What the fuck is Going on? Ohhhh, okay.”

Today I watched Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Starring the great Gary Oldman in a vintage-style spy thriller. Rather than give a long-winded review, I’m going to give you the commentary I was writing down as it happened. The movie follows a 70’s era group of spies trying to find out who the mole is. In addition to the Oldman, this movie stars Ben Cumberbatch (hellooo), Colin Firth, John Hurt, Ciaran Hinds, and Tom Hardy (HELLOOOOO). It tells the story of a young underling who helps Gary Oldman figure out who is the mole in their group. I’m not going to give you much more synopsis than that, because hey, fuck details. You just wanna know what I was thinking, right? (Warning: If you have not seen this movie, then the context your imagination puts to this is not my responsibility.)

“Gary Oldman has been in every scene for the past 20 minutes, and still hasn’t said a word.”

“Halfway through Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy: What the Fuck Is going on?”

“Holy shit I’m only 40 minutes in.”

“Tom Hardy is in the Circus? The…..literal circus? Wait, no movie, please explain that!”

“Man. There are a LOT of blonde wigs in this movie.”

“Wait. What? He’s dead? Okay.”

“He’s also dead. What is this. Why is he back?”

“Um. He’s dead too. And back. Um. Welp. Ghosts?”

“Why is Gary Oldman swimming nude in a cold river?”

“This is a movie where each scene only makes things more confusing”

“Gary Oldman is swimming in a river again. Inexplicably. Tom Hardy = Still Hot, even in a gay blonde wig”

“Benedict Cumberbatch just beat the shit out of Tom Hardy. Awesome.”

“Seriously, though what the hell is going on? Are we in the past now? WHY IS RUSSIAN MUSIC PLAYING?”

“Well, I’m scared of bathtubs in Russia again”

“Oh. OH. Oh. MI6 is the…..circus?”

“Benedict Cumberbatch, that is a hell of a voice for a fragile, whispy thing like yourself”

“This has a chance of being the most British Movie I have ever seen”

“This is like the 9th scene that Russian chick has been in, and I still have no idea who she is”

 “COLIN FIRTH IS BEING SCARY. This movie is a mindfuck”

“The only one NOT acting scary is Gary Oldman. WHICH MAKES HIM THE SCARIEST”

“Earmahgerd. Suddenly, everything in this movie made sense.”

“Nope, confused again.”

“Okay. I don’t like the look Mark Strong is giving Colin Firth. It’s like gay assassin rage.”

“Oh. You dead now. Hokay. Bye Colin Firth.”

“Gary Oldman wins?”

“That was an ordeal. WORTH IT”


This has been my review of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. It was good, but nothing makes sense till about 20 minutes to the end. Then they kinda confuse the shit out of you again, then they right it all. Again. It’s non-linear and at times drab, with meticulous scenes that showcase acting and not much else. Overall, a good one for spy fans, or fans of any of the 800 actors in this movie, all of whom are really good at what they do.


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