Ideal Job? Retired and Living on a Yacht of Course!

That was my answer when I was recently asked this question. However, this also got me to thinking about my actual work history – where I started, and where I am now.

So here it is – my completely honest resume (that doesn’t quite match my LinkedIn profile):

Mermaid Enthusiast (Birth – 1993):
I wanted to be a mermaid. I spent many hours in my grandma’s neighbor’s pool shopping for groceries in the deep end and trying desperately to get my fins to activate.

Younkers (1999 – 2000):
Since no fins actually activated, I had to get a real job. So, I picked Younkers. I worked here starting the day after I turned 16. I had to wear panty hose every day, made $6.25 an hour, and was bored 98% of the time. I also worked with much older women – which was fine mostly – but I found myself feeling lonely since no one there truly loved N’SYNC the way I did.

Target (2001 – 2007):
Younkers got old, so I applied to Wal-Mart and Target. Wal-Mart didn’t even call me back. Target did however, and I would spend the rest of high school and college there. Retail sucks because the public is full of idiots. However – I loved the people I worked with. Once, one of my fellow Target buddies and I spent an entire evening in the Men’s section laughing our asses off at the underwear pictures.

College (2002 – 2007):
When I got older, I went to college for lack of anything better to do. I thought maybe I would enjoy baking cakes, so naturally, I majored in Criminal Justice. I accidentally graduated 5 years later.

Temp Agency (2 months):
No one would hire me because it was 2007 – the year the economy tanked. After too much time passed, I knew I needed some help in the form of a temp agency. Shortly after arriving at the agency all dressed up and full of hope, I found myself sitting next to a middle-aged woman wearing sweatpants who smelled heavily of oranges.

Warehouse Associate (2007 -2008):
Twenty pounds heavier, I found myself as a temp employee working alone in a cold warehouse pulling insurance files out of boxes. I also ate alone everyday in my car parked in the guest parking spot that was reserved for guests only. I ate there each day until someone from the office told my boss I was illegally eating my lunch in the guest spot. After that, I just waited to eat until I got home.

Dispute Rep (Less than 4 Weeks):
If I die and wind up in hell – it will be this job all over again. This was an on-the phones- all-day, raise-your-hand-to-pee job. I learned here that I’m just too visual for the phones and that I need a hearing aid. You also had to eat lunch alone with this job since the phones always needed to be covered. The lunchroom was creepy, unnecessarily dark, and very quiet.

Lost and Unemployed (2 months):
I thought about giving the mermaid thing another try.

LinkedIn (2008 – Present):
Some time and fifty pounds later, I thought maybe I would just go back to Target. I was defeated – the business world had bulldozed over me. But then, like a shining beacon of hope, there was LinkedIn. It was random and lucky that I got an interview and got hired.

Five years later, I can only describe LinkedIn as…it’s like when someone brings you a cupcake with loads of frosting, and you’re like “YES!!! Look at all that frosting!!!” And then you bite into the cupcake, and there’s even more frosting in the center!!! I should mention that I love frosting…

The people I’ve met here would be the sprinkles on my ultimate cupcake – they’re awesome and would never let me eat lunch alone in my car every day.

So there it is I guess – my job history as best as I can describe it – sometimes ugly, sometimes sweet, and a touch fruity.


One comment

  1. That’s the problem with being a mermaid, no frosting.

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