Is that the Ding-Ding Man?

By: Stacey

Animals in nature only run after prey or because they are the prey. We humans run because we are either chasing after ice cream, or so we can talk about it on Facebook.

I myself jog, but because my body is equivalent to that of a 79 year old woman, and I’m trying to extend my life. I personally never see what there is to say about it, yet I’ve seen post after post about how people love to run and how it makes them feel amazing. Obviously, I’m running incorrectly.

In order to join the perky joggers, I made a note to remember and record my typical string of thoughts during my 30 minute jog. Here’s what I found:

Minute 1 – Well shit…29 f*ing more f*ing long f*ing minutes to go.
Minute 3 – I have to hold my boobs because my sports bra isn’t that supportive and they’re hurting.
Minute 5 – When will I just buy another bra at Target? I need lemonade and paper towels from Target.
Minute 10 – I’m bored by now, and trying to find any song on my iPod besides “Just around the River Bend” by Pocahontas.
Minute 11 – I curse myself for never taking the 2 minutes to make a jogging playlist.
Minute 12 – Am I in the right job? Yes.
Minute 15 – I feel fat and old, and have started staring at the seconds going by on the treadmill.
Minute 16 – I’m convinced the f*ing treadmill is cheating on the time.
Minute 17 – I wonder when I’ll catch that sneaky little midget man who runs behind me and jiggles my ass fat when I run.
Minute 20 – Roseanne has just ended, and now I have to watch Reba – which really irritates the crap out of me.
Minute 22 – I pretend I’m running in the Olympics and feel a short burst of energy – then my side starts to hurt and I remember my legs are too short for the Olympics.
Minute 25 – I knock my sweat rag onto the floor and contemplate using that as an excuse to stop now.
Minute 26 – I didn’t stop like I wanted to; I’m already here and sweaty so might as well finish.
Minute 27 – I’m really staring at the time now – I’m going to catch this damn treadmill cheating.
Minute 28 – I’m finally starting to feel less old and fat.
Minute 29 – One more f*ing minute to go.
Minute 30 – I’m such a beast.

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